Bedtime thoughts

There are so many things I'd like to say on Facebook, yet I don't want everyone I know to jump to arms about them. I wish I had a large crowd of anonymous people that I could pretend cared but wouldn't be able to hunt me down. You know? I have been feeling more and more alone these past few weeks. I feel my friendships that were closer the last few months fading away. I find the people that I care more and more about care nothing for me. All I am wanted for is sex on their time frame. It makes me sad to realize what i have become. Why must I fall for emotionally unavailable men. It drags me down and at the same time I know it is hurting my spirit each and every time. I want attention for me who I am and what I'm skilled at. Not for big boobs or being good in bed. That's the least of my concerns. I want someone to clean and cook for. Someone who I can sew the little holes in their socks and we can sit in bed and talk for hours. I want someone to hold so I don't have to squeeze my pillows so tight.

Every time I go through this I get sad and wonder what the use of my life is. I don't feel like I'm doing anything special. The only person who depends on me is Dylan, and well lets face it, I have family members that would do much better than myself at raising him. I often feel that I don't want to be here anymore. It's more of a fleeting thought that haunts me on a regular basis. I know it's selfish and blah blah blah. When you struggle with depression like this, it doesn't matter. I feel such an intense hopelessness that it can't be matched. I read about a 9 yr old girl that died and had a legacy to donate to poor people to get wells so they don't get sick. I know other people are travelling and working and raising their families. I feel so stagnant in life. I take one step forward and two steps backwards most of the time. I frequently fantasize about this or that way of killing myself. I'm scared and don't know if I would ever go through with it or not. I don't really want to kill myself. I'm 25. I have a lot to live for. I want to get married, have a family, a house, a career, pets, etc. Most days it feels so unattainable it's not even funny

I wish I was skinny. I wish I loved myself. I wish I had the love of Matt. I wish my dreams would come true. I wish I could get a new job. I wish I wasn't in debt. I wish I could see my brother and sister all the time. I wish so many things. I wish I could just pause life while I get everything organized and together. I'm OCD, but if things are not in line I feel stressed and anxious and cant function properly. I want things to be organized but I cannot muster the strength to move forward with this weight upon my shoulders.

I long for simpler times and less complication. Why must I always struggle with the same things and the things I long for the most elude me most of all. It's like I'm being slapped in the face and laughed at. Things are dangled in front of my face but moved so far from reach that all hope is vanished.

I pray I live to see the day...

I pray that I don't do anything stupid in the meantime...

I have told several people that I have wanted to kill myself at times but they brush it off since I haven't really acted on it.

I am that unhappy with myself and my life

I wish there was an easy fix. but bandaids only last for so long.

I'm Torn, I'm all out of faith, this is how I feel. I'm cold and I am shamed lying broken on the floor. Illusion never turns into something real. I'm wide awake and I can see the perfect sky is torn...I feel like I'm lying naked on the ground.

xo
ol

Relationships, who needs em

Well, I've been doing some reminiscing lately. Was interesting to flip though my blog real quick. I'm at such a different place in life these days. Ultimately I definitely want to be with someone and live happily ever after. But seriously, don't have time for BS right now. I wish I knew how to be friends with guys. When I am, it always turns sexual. ugh. lol. I mean, I know I'm always sexually frustrated...probably my own fault lol.

At this point, I don't have time for a damn relationship. I have enough shit to deal with in my life, but damn. I wish I at least had some regular freaking booty call. The thing is, I have to have some sort of relationship with whoever I sleep with, or it does absolutely nothing for me. When I have feelings, sometimes I obsess...which you can see as evidenced in this blog, which has previously been a place for me to vent instead of pissing of friends.

I wish I hadnt fucked things up so royally with D. but that's life. Sometimes, I imagine I'll somehow get another chance to show him I'm not insane. lol. unfortunately that's not likely to happen. Now to find someone like him...My M at work is pretty damn hot too....I may or may not have fucked with him. ;) it's a secret tho. I think that kind of makes it hotter. No...what would make it hotter is if he came over on a regular basis! lmao. I just need to be fucked regular a few days a week would be nice...If the sex drive is suppose to go up as I get older, this isn't looking good. I thought men were suppose to be like this?? I always think it would be hot to have some good ol lunch time fun...even with my ex when I'd go over to his place at lunch...never anything fun. Anyways, that's another story that I refuse to talk about. ugh. ugh. ugh.

Yeah, so I want someone to text back and forth with (because I'm an attention whore...at least I can admit it!), I want someone to cuddle and make out with and then to fuck me crazy at least 3 times a week. that's only like half the duties of a bf right?? lol. Hmm and the potential for it to grow into more would always be nice too...for when I have feelings and my shit isn't so crazy, it would be nice to you know, date someone again. Rather, I don't even want to date, I just want to be with someone. Just be.

Anyway, enough rambling for now. I'll try to not stay away for as long!

xo
ol

2 things i need from you

its been 8 mos now. we have not had a single date and i have not met a single friend. i need these now. if you dont want me to be part of your life let me know so i can move on and find someone who doe.n

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Dumb bitch

Who's a dumb bitch? I am. Who is so completely retarded as fuck they don't pay attention to their actions and how they affect others? I am. I don't think actions thru too much....I tend to be pretty impulsive with things I do and say. That is a bad fucking thing. Leads me to fuck things up for myself as well as those I care about and know.

People think I play games with them? What games? What am I doing? I'm so oblivious to my own actions I dont even realize how I manipulate people to get them to do what I want or act how I want. what the fuck.

How do you even go about changing that and growing the fuck up. where do i go from here? How do you turn into a real, effective adult while acting like a child and having the mindset of an idiot.

Tell me now. I want to know. What must I think or do to become real and honest and not full of shit. Please

xo
ol

4-some

I've been with my boyfriend almost 6 mos now. I am so in love with him I hurt sometimes. He doesn't love me back. I hope he will at some point. He has said from the beginning that he cant promise he'll be physically faithful to me. We thought maybe if we did 3-some, 4-some type stuff it would work out for both of us since I'm bi and all. Last night we had our first 4-some. Really all we did was a couple swap. I was nervous going into it....but as the night wore on all I wanted to do was cry. The guy I was with was a nice guy, very sweet and all....but I just couldn't get past someone else making out with my guy, her hands all over him, vice versa...her sucking on him and him fucking her....it's just to much for me. At this point, I still don't know all what happened. I've asked a few questions because I'm hella curious...but I just cant stop imagining things and thinking about the whole thing.

I've never ever shared someone I was with. Nor do I ever want to again. It brings up so many insecurities that I'm not really over. It makes me doubt everything about myself. I wonder if I'm good enough or ever can be. What's wrong with me that I'm not enough to satisfy all his wants and needs. I give him everything.

I had originally planned on messing around with the girl myself, but I was just too upset and that wasn't even a thought on my mind. Maybe part of it is that I don't really know about his feelings for me. I don't know where his head and heart are. He is not a very affectionate person with kissing, hugs, compliments, etc....so I cherish what I do get...but then to see him all over another girl...which I only saw briefly...wow. I hurt so bad I wanted to cry and hyperventilate and run away. I wanted to get in my car and just drive. I don't even know where. Instead I went outside for a few minute. I ended up locking myself out....which would have been just perfect. ugh.

I don't know where to go from here. I don't think I can ever do that again...but at the same time...I know he'll cheat on me at some point. Just because I know it will happen and that's the way he is, doesn't make it right and definitely doesn't make it hurt any less. I just don't know what to do. What to think. All I can tell myself is to keep breathing. Maybe the images and sound effects will be forgotten. Maybe.

As for now....I still picture it. I still want to cry and I feel bad for letting him down. That I couldn't handle seeing it. Hearing it. Witnessing it....

I sat there and let my boyfriend fuck another girl...prettier than me too...he doesn't love me. Maybe he never will? Will this happen again? I don't know. Probably tho...but next time it sure as hell won't be on my bed in my home.

where to go from here.....

do you know?

xo
ol

When you say nothing at all.

It's amazing how you can speak right to my heart
Without saying a word, you can light up the dark
Try as I may I could never explain
What I hear when you don't say a thing

The smile on your face lets me know that you need me
There's a truth in your eyes saying you'll never leave me
A touch of your hand says you'll catch me if ever I fall
Yeah, you say it best, when you say nothing at all.

...

Ah one of my favorite love songs. It's not quite like that yet.....but it's still pretty damn amazing. I can tell he's falling for me more....or maybe getting confused as to why I'm in love with him....he has asked several times why I'm so nice to him. I can't help it. I'm in love with him....so naturally I want to take care of him and love on him and make him happy.

He's always asking, why are you staring at me? I always tell him it's nothing...but really I'm admiring his soft brown skin and wanting him to wrap his arms around me and kiss me silly. I want nothing better than to cuddle and makeout for like an hour. mmmm that would be so nice. Maybe I'll get some extra loving with valentines and my birthday around the corner??? hmmmm never can tell.

Anyway....I'm trying to post more on here....being inspired by family and friends with their blogs.....

until next time...


xo
ol

a new one

so as I look thru my posts I know I've talked about a bunch of guys....but here I am again...on another one. I think we're at the point where we're an actual couple...thus I write about it on here. it's been 3 months. I havent acually been in a relationship for almost a year now....so it's good. I'm almost 24....my life is still up in the air and crazy....but I met someone again that I think i've fallen in love with. he claims that isnt the case...but how can he know. does make me wonder tho...anyway....yeah...going to try and write more frequently on here...sister inspiring me and all...we'll see how that goes..


xo
ol