Bedtime thoughts

There are so many things I'd like to say on Facebook, yet I don't want everyone I know to jump to arms about them. I wish I had a large crowd of anonymous people that I could pretend cared but wouldn't be able to hunt me down. You know? I have been feeling more and more alone these past few weeks. I feel my friendships that were closer the last few months fading away. I find the people that I care more and more about care nothing for me. All I am wanted for is sex on their time frame. It makes me sad to realize what i have become. Why must I fall for emotionally unavailable men. It drags me down and at the same time I know it is hurting my spirit each and every time. I want attention for me who I am and what I'm skilled at. Not for big boobs or being good in bed. That's the least of my concerns. I want someone to clean and cook for. Someone who I can sew the little holes in their socks and we can sit in bed and talk for hours. I want someone to hold so I don't have to squeeze my pillows so tight.

Every time I go through this I get sad and wonder what the use of my life is. I don't feel like I'm doing anything special. The only person who depends on me is Dylan, and well lets face it, I have family members that would do much better than myself at raising him. I often feel that I don't want to be here anymore. It's more of a fleeting thought that haunts me on a regular basis. I know it's selfish and blah blah blah. When you struggle with depression like this, it doesn't matter. I feel such an intense hopelessness that it can't be matched. I read about a 9 yr old girl that died and had a legacy to donate to poor people to get wells so they don't get sick. I know other people are travelling and working and raising their families. I feel so stagnant in life. I take one step forward and two steps backwards most of the time. I frequently fantasize about this or that way of killing myself. I'm scared and don't know if I would ever go through with it or not. I don't really want to kill myself. I'm 25. I have a lot to live for. I want to get married, have a family, a house, a career, pets, etc. Most days it feels so unattainable it's not even funny

I wish I was skinny. I wish I loved myself. I wish I had the love of Matt. I wish my dreams would come true. I wish I could get a new job. I wish I wasn't in debt. I wish I could see my brother and sister all the time. I wish so many things. I wish I could just pause life while I get everything organized and together. I'm OCD, but if things are not in line I feel stressed and anxious and cant function properly. I want things to be organized but I cannot muster the strength to move forward with this weight upon my shoulders.

I long for simpler times and less complication. Why must I always struggle with the same things and the things I long for the most elude me most of all. It's like I'm being slapped in the face and laughed at. Things are dangled in front of my face but moved so far from reach that all hope is vanished.

I pray I live to see the day...

I pray that I don't do anything stupid in the meantime...

I have told several people that I have wanted to kill myself at times but they brush it off since I haven't really acted on it.

I am that unhappy with myself and my life

I wish there was an easy fix. but bandaids only last for so long.

I'm Torn, I'm all out of faith, this is how I feel. I'm cold and I am shamed lying broken on the floor. Illusion never turns into something real. I'm wide awake and I can see the perfect sky is torn...I feel like I'm lying naked on the ground.

xo
ol