EAT PRAY LOVE

"Moreover, I have boundary issues with men. Or maybe that's not fair to say. To have issues with boundaries, one must have boundaries in the first place, right? But I disappear into the person I love. I am the permeable membrane. If I love you, you can have everything. You can have my time, my devotion, my ass, my money, my family, my dog, my dog's money, my dog's time--everything. If I love you, I will carry for you all your pain, I will assume for you all your debts (in every definition of the word), I will protect you from your own insecurity, I will project upon you all sorts of good qualities that you have never actually cultivated in yourself and i will buy Christmas presents for your entire family. I will give you the sun and the rain, and if they are not available, I will give you a sun check and a rain check. I will give you all this and more, until I get so exhausted and depleted that the only way I can recover my energy is by becoming infatuated with someone else.

I do not relay these facts about myself with pride, but this is how it's always been"

ahhhhhhhhhhh

So I totally met someone....S..we went to elementary school together...like 3rd-7th grade I think. Anyway...we hung out for like 16 hours so far this weekend..awake time..and he spent the night last night. so amazing! i just love cuddling up next to him. It's so comfy and cozy. So normally I'm not into smokers....but kissing him is not gross and I just don't mind. He's a good kisser too...tends to taste like monster...but not bad :)

Anyway. I like him. We've decided that we're dating now. 16 hours is the equivalent of 4 dates...so it works out lol. anyway. we hung out with my bff last night and her husband and his best friend and we all had a blast. s and i were texting the whole time we were sitting next to each other....i was so turning him on..it was great.

anyway...I'm fantastic...feeling bright and shiny now! I love not feling dark and twisty

anyway. It's like...he's like me....in that strokes my body while we're laying there...he was the one to ask what our status was after spending all that time and sleeping over and all...anyway...im excited to find out more. he makes me have butterflies and feel a little giddy. ahhhh. until i see him again...

xo
ol

Whatever

I think im doomed to be single for the rest of my life. I think I was fooling myself about d....and yeah. I can't do it anymore. there's just no way. We're not on the same page. I care and he doesn't want me to at all. at allllll. fuck it.

I'm a good catch. Yeah, I have my personality flaws....but who doesn't. I think my biggest problem is fat girl syndrome...it's when you're fat and no one hits on you or anything. it's called...when you're fat you have to have a better personality because there aren't those killer looks to get attention for you.

I wonder when I'll find that person. I wonder how it will work into my life. Ill be busy for the next couple years if i get into that msters prog...anyway...nothing else to say....

but...

i give up on d. no more hoping, obsessing, crazy talk...im moving on.

xo
ol