it's been a while

So....it's been a while since I've written....it's also been a while since I've talked to D. Lately....I've hung out with this one guy I met off cl twice...he's okay n all....but so not my type. He likes me too much...I'm trying to get him to back off. In the mean time there's a guy from class last year that I've hooked up with. We hung out the other day and had an awesome time...i think. Plussss he's hottt, plus he thinks i'm hot.....and the sex....mmm well let's just say,....it's hot! Only thing is he doesn't want a relationship right now. I think we're trying the fwb thing....but I don't know if that will work for me...or if it can ever be more. I really do like him...and we've been friends for like a year. I just had so much fun cuddling with him and rubbing him all over....and the kissing was tasty too. It was just soooo good. i like. it was hot...he kept staring at me and mmmm....yeah. I like him a lot...is it bad to hope we become something more...or is he really sure he doesn't want a gf right now?? hmmmm



xo
ol

d-man

welllll i don't think I'll ever be fully over d. I still want him. I've been thinking about him more lately....i had blocked him out for a while...but emailing him lately has got me all opened up again. I put together a package that i'm going to try and send out tomorrow. Hopefullly he likes most of what's in it. He wouldn't tell me what to send him so i had to research and guess....kinda a pain....ugh.

met a new guy this weekend. He's really sweet. ....but he's just no d. on one else comes close.....ugh. I think I'm going to see if it'll work out. if it doesn't....i'm not going to try anymore....I'll wait til d gets home and pounce on him.....very carefully so he doesn't even know its happening....i really want to make him want me as much as i want him...bc this whole one sided love thing is not cool.

xo
ol

Is this the next phase of my life?

Well...I feel like I'm getting out a little more...at least going out on more dates and talking to more guys. I don't feel that much a need to find someone to date. I'm finding myself more and more content with being by myself and doing my own thing. Sometimes I wish I had someone for bear hugs and back rubbing...but other than that...I like not having to worry about anyone but me and dylan. I don't have the time or energy to deal with another child.

I'm not saying I wouldn't like to find someone....but I guess what I'm feeling is just less desperation. i'll meet someone eventually....I just don't like not being able to do couples things with my friends because I'm the only single one....and that no one has time to hang out cuz they're all hanging with their hunnies. That kinda makes me wish I had one...but I'm sick of trying to date losers. I deserve so much better than that. I need to just meet people and go out...but end it there when I find out their loserish behaviors and personalities.

one day my prince charming will come....and one day I'll lose a shitload of weight...then we'll all be happy...yay!

xo
ol

EAT PRAY LOVE

"Moreover, I have boundary issues with men. Or maybe that's not fair to say. To have issues with boundaries, one must have boundaries in the first place, right? But I disappear into the person I love. I am the permeable membrane. If I love you, you can have everything. You can have my time, my devotion, my ass, my money, my family, my dog, my dog's money, my dog's time--everything. If I love you, I will carry for you all your pain, I will assume for you all your debts (in every definition of the word), I will protect you from your own insecurity, I will project upon you all sorts of good qualities that you have never actually cultivated in yourself and i will buy Christmas presents for your entire family. I will give you the sun and the rain, and if they are not available, I will give you a sun check and a rain check. I will give you all this and more, until I get so exhausted and depleted that the only way I can recover my energy is by becoming infatuated with someone else.

I do not relay these facts about myself with pride, but this is how it's always been"

ahhhhhhhhhhh

So I totally met someone....S..we went to elementary school together...like 3rd-7th grade I think. Anyway...we hung out for like 16 hours so far this weekend..awake time..and he spent the night last night. so amazing! i just love cuddling up next to him. It's so comfy and cozy. So normally I'm not into smokers....but kissing him is not gross and I just don't mind. He's a good kisser too...tends to taste like monster...but not bad :)

Anyway. I like him. We've decided that we're dating now. 16 hours is the equivalent of 4 dates...so it works out lol. anyway. we hung out with my bff last night and her husband and his best friend and we all had a blast. s and i were texting the whole time we were sitting next to each other....i was so turning him on..it was great.

anyway...I'm fantastic...feeling bright and shiny now! I love not feling dark and twisty

anyway. It's like...he's like me....in that strokes my body while we're laying there...he was the one to ask what our status was after spending all that time and sleeping over and all...anyway...im excited to find out more. he makes me have butterflies and feel a little giddy. ahhhh. until i see him again...

xo
ol

Whatever

I think im doomed to be single for the rest of my life. I think I was fooling myself about d....and yeah. I can't do it anymore. there's just no way. We're not on the same page. I care and he doesn't want me to at all. at allllll. fuck it.

I'm a good catch. Yeah, I have my personality flaws....but who doesn't. I think my biggest problem is fat girl syndrome...it's when you're fat and no one hits on you or anything. it's called...when you're fat you have to have a better personality because there aren't those killer looks to get attention for you.

I wonder when I'll find that person. I wonder how it will work into my life. Ill be busy for the next couple years if i get into that msters prog...anyway...nothing else to say....

but...

i give up on d. no more hoping, obsessing, crazy talk...im moving on.

xo
ol

the weekend

So it's the weekend. D is in the states but in wisconsin or michigan...one of those places, i forget. End of October he'll go to Iraq....that's when I'm going to really start to worry. I really want him to come home alive ya know?? I want to date him and be allowed to love him and kiss him and be held by him. I want more....but gotta start there. A year is so long. I wonder if he'll give me the address to write to him at. I really want to send him snail mail. Plus, then I can send him packages!! (which i fully intend to do!)

So I'm at a point where I don't really know how I feel about D. We haven't really spent all that much time together...but we've talked a lot...all of this has been enough for me to love everything he is and about him...that I know...obviously i don't know everything of maybe even all that much about him. But I love everything that I know. I think I may love him....but I don't even know. i mean, at this point we're just friends and we keep in contact texting and all.

I do miss talking to him everyday...when he was in yakima we were talking every day..but he was only gone for a month. and we were planning on spending time when he got back. we ended up only hangin out once. the first night he was home. after that he was super busy so i didn't get to see him again.

bye

!@#$%

I feel so emo now. wtf? That's not me. At least I don't think so. But seriously. I should be a lesbian. then I wouldn't have to deal with men. Problem is I like them so much. This silly little girl wants to find someone who doesn't make her feel like a silly little girl. That's all. I want to do things with my life, but feel trapped by my loneliness. I'm having a hard time focusing. I need to work on revamping my resume and making a good couple cover letters. It really shouldn't be that hard. But I can't even get myself to sit down and try. I've even got my kid with his grandparents today so I can try. i think i need to leave my apartment and try. take the book and notepad...im not sure about my computer. I'm thinking it can stay here because it'll be too much of a distraction....and we all know how easily i am distracted.

I even did this before over a guy. freshman year of college i met a guy right at the end of school and i couldn't focus on school at all and did terrible. didn't write a final paper for english and failed and did not study for exams. I couldn't focus and spent all my time talking to him. in this case...i spend all my time talking to no one but still unable to focus my thoughts.

im thinking breakfast somewhere with my stuff....i just hate going solo. i really do. but that seems to be my constant curse. hating to be alone, but doomed to always be alone. funny how that works. either God has a sense of humor or he fucking hates me....or he's just fucking with me. you know whichever. he obviously does not care that much.

classic

I plan on getting shit faced tonight. we'll see how it goes. I'm sure it won't really make me feel better...but maybe it'll make me forget how alone I am? we'll see.

i just don't know anymore

I don't know why I just put myself out there. Why do I want to be loved so much that I give myself so easily and free?? I can't do it anymore. I feel so hurt. It makes me feel like I'm worthless and unwanted. not good enough for anything but sex. I need emotion. affection. etc.

I don't know if it's possible for me. I want to love but love is so elusive. It doesn't want me to find it. I keep learning, but I also keep crashing and burning. I feel like I'm diminishing my spirit as I keep this up.

I want to express myself but I've lost the capability to show. I think in music but have no way to share it.


perhaps I just feel this because of lack of sleep. Potentially it could be that I've started listening to my head. I doubt that will ever happen. I'll always be lead by my emotions. I just long to find someone that wants to be with me emotionally, physically, etc just as much as I want to be with him and visa versa.

Soulmate:


Incompatible, it don't matter though
'cos someone's bound to hear my cry
Speak out if you do
You're not easy to find

Is it possible Mr. Loveable
Is already in my life?
Right in front of me
Or maybe you're in disguise

Who doesn't long for someone to hold
Who knows how to love you without being told
Somebody tell me why I'm on my own
If there's a soulmate for everyone

Here we are again, circles never end
How do I find the perfect fit
There's enough for everyone
But I'm still waiting in line

Who doesn't long for someone to hold
Who knows how to love you without being told
Somebody tell me why I'm on my own
If there's a soulmate for everyone

If there's a soulmate for everyone

Most relationships seem so transitory
They're all good but not the permanent one

Who doesn't long for someone to hold
Who knows how to love you without being told
Somebody tell me why I'm on my own
If there's a soulmate for everyone

Who doesn't long for someone to hold
Who knows how to love you without being told
Somebody tell me why I'm on my own
If there's a soulmate for everyone
If there's a soulmate for everyone

yay

I am doing well. no obsessing here! I've been texting d and having fun. 5 days until i get to be ravished. cant wait.

I'm done

from now on I refuse to obsess. I am going to be low key and stress free. I will be a laid back person if it kills me. fuck it.

up to this point

I'm going to do it. I'm going to wait for him. I like him so much already....We've been texting all day since Saturday, he's in Yakima until the 8th, home for a week and then iraq for a year. I will be seeing him when he's home....i'm hoping to spend a decent amount of time with him....however, Im not really sure what's going to happen. I get to see him at least once...which is better than nothing. I'll take that. that's about all....I care about him so deeply and really hope that it only grows and that he cares more and more for me. until then

xo
ol

Last night

So last night. Guess who texted me. I hadn't heard from him for like 2 weeks. I know he's been crazy busy getting stuff together, packing and preparing to be gone for a year..but I would have appreciated a note telling me that he was still interested in me! Since then I have met 2 different guys, one nothing and the second might be something....but I don't know if I should get into something because i want to be there for him while he's away and get together with him when he comes home. Plus...he's coming home in august for a week and I want to spend time with him then....what to do?? If I get into a relationship with the one guy....I couldn't do anything with d when he's home. but at the same time I really would like someone to hang out with the next year. I mean and it's not like we're technically in a relationship or anything....we went on one date and had sex twice....but I know I really like him and want to be with him. ugh. it's so complicated. I feel like I should let the new guy go....but at the same time it's not like i have anything with d or really any guarantee.

TELL ME WHAT TO DO?!

a quiet monday

work's been pretty quiet this morning. It's given me time to think about stuff...but it's all so complicated. I've realized that i don't think i started this relationship off right...well whatever it is. but at least I've gotten to the point where i don't really care and if nothing else ill have fun with him until he leaves for iraq or decides im to crazy.

he was on vacation this weekend....and i was totally surprised he texted me a couple times. That's a good sign right?? anyway I got annoying and unwanted relationship advice from a girl I was road tripping with to the ocean (for a friends bridal shower). she told me that obviously he wasn't into me because he waited 9 days to call. she said he obviously had 8 other chics to call. he said he didn't call me earlier because he was super busy at work. I dont' start off thinking guys are lying to me....so whats up with that??? I think yeah I'm definitely not his top priority at the moment (but thats part of my evil plan) but I definitely don't think hes out fucking up 8 other girls. I just don't think that's him. I mean call me crazy, but I have spent time with him and talked to him quite a bit...he's just a nice guy who likes his job and lives hella far away from it. plus he's a teacher and has had people graduating from his program....i dont know. I'm inclined to believe him not her...becuase why not? I trust him and if this doesn't work out....I guess it's not that bad...

All I know is that he's a really special guy. I could easily fall in love with him. For now I'm holding back and biding my time....it could be up to 2 years for something to really happen with him, since he's going to Iraq and all. I'm just taking the pressure off and making it about fun, sex and hanging out. I want to keep in touch with him when hes gone and send packages. I think that if anything happens between us that will be where we would build a friendship relationship to make it a good relationship when he gets home. anyway...bye for now

xo
ol

I think I may have stopped obsessing?!

That's unusual. After Wed, I didn't expect to hear from him and I guess I kinda let it go. Thennnn on Thursday I got a text from him at the end of work. We ended up texting a lot throughout the evening....and then we talked on the phone. He had gone out to the bar with his friend and was a bit drunk....it was kinda fun...anyway we talked on the phone for a while and after I took a shower...well I stayed sans clothing and was telling him all about it. of course for at least an hour he said that he'd really like to but he can't get a DUI...he said he'd get pulled over for sure if he was out. Finally....around midnight he did come over. It was amazing. no more shyness...well a lot less. anyway....he left at 2:30 am....he were looking at my cosmo together. He says it has to be written by a gay guy. lol. we were looking at the article of his 7 g-spots. I was reading them to him and he would tell me if it's true or a load of crap....really quite entertaining.

oh and before that we were just kinda laying on my bed and i was just gazing at him. He has the cutest smile lines! i know that's kinda weird..but it's true. I was having some fun tickling him as well...that was pretty cute. He's so cute!!!

So later stuff...we texted a bit friday night....basically just a couple texts. I went shopping for something a little more sexy. He's on a mountain biking trip with a friend...and he texted me once or twice last night....which surprised me because, hello he's on vacay with his friend. anyway, his texts were pleasant surprises.

I'm keepin my fingers crossed....and hopefully I'll see him tonight or tomorrow night....
xo
ol

today

well I'm still here by myself. dont have a fucking bit of hope that he still likes me....i probably scared him away. anyway im depressed and lonely. i basically want to die. ok bye now
xo
ol

still waiting

I'm still waiting. I sent him another text....nothing. It's almost 8:00. Does this mean I'm not gonna hear from him?? He told me that if he wasn't interested he'd tell me. and last night he said we could talk/hang out tonight. What's happened since then??? i'm worried and stressing out here. I can't really do anything except obsess. I want him here now. i want to hear from him. I want him to show up at my door. I wish he would just show up. that would be so hot.
xo
ol

I haven't talked to him yet today

and it's driving me crazy. I've been easily irritable at my son (he was home sick today) and i was moping and looking at my phone every 5 seconds. I have kept my texts to him at a very minimum today I think I only sent him 2 possibly 3 all day. He told me he gets off work at two. it's 5:45 now. He works far away and i know if he doessn't drive he has to wait around til everyone else gets off work at 5 and then he heads home. He also can't bring his phone into work, so this means I basically don't hear from him all day. It scares me at this early point in our relationship. I don't know him well enough to know everythings ok, you know?? I bet he has a work email address or even phone that he could call me from and take like 5 seconds...but of course we're not even together yet...so why would he..but not hearing from him all day seriously kills me. He's supposed to come over tonight when he gets home. I keep watching out my window hoping he'll just pop in and surprise me. He won't of course because of the lack of relationship and not knowing each other all that well. I'm basically pulling out my hair and going crazy. I'm agitated and fidgety.

What to do. If he's taking the rideshare home...he won't be home for like another half hour to hour....and then even if he calls me right away it's still a long time away. i hope he comes sooner rather than later! I might have a nervous breakdown if he takes too long. I mean, seriously. What's wrong with me. The first night we talked and messed around and had an awesome time which we both expressed to each other. I hope he hasnt picked up on that I'm basically obsessed with him at this point. It wouldn't be so bad if we were actually an item...but of course not yet. I just want to get to know him and spend as much time with him as I can before he ships out! I know what I want and he is sooo fitting the bill. i know all this but of course if he finds out any of this i'm screwed and I'll be single for sure.... okay...wish me luck tonight. If i'm lucky he'll stay overnight...if he stays I'll fill you in tomorrow night. If he leaves I'll fill you in later tonight. i'm outtie

xo
ol

The day after the first date

Well, last night was our first date. It was almost perfect. He was perfect and I'm so ready to fall in love with him now. This morning when I walked into work I couldn't stop smiling. As the day wore on my lack of sleep caught up with me as I was hanging on to my last threads of sanity. He can't take his phone into work with him and since it's high security, it takes a long time to go in and out of the facility. He doesn't see his phone all day. Meaning, I don't hear from him all day. Of course, we've only had one date, but i know he's the one for me. Do you ever just get that feeling?? I keep looking at his picture and going "oh my God, he's so fucking hot! I am so lucky he likes me!"

It started over a week ago. On the night of my college graduation I went out to a bar downtown to celebrate with a friend. I saw him there and we kept looking back and forth at each other for some time. Eventually he got in line for a drink and I new that was the perfect opportunity to go and talk to him. So I did....and I found out that not only was he super cute, he was really nice and in the field I want to be when I get a decent job. After he got his drink he walked off, I didn't think he liked me. Later I wrote my name and number on a napkin (I forgot to ask his name!!) and with a lot of nudging from my friend I walked up to him and handed him a folded napkin with my number inside. I was super embarrassed and didn't think he like me at all. Turned out I was lucky and he did like me...he actually likes curvy women. yay.

So back to the story. I get obsessive when I really like a guy...and especially when I can't talk to him all day cuz he doesn't have any access to his phone...I was going crazy sent him like 6 or 7 texts...then more after he got off work and even after he told me he was busy...then I believe he got annoyed with me and then I was scared he wasn't going to like me anymore. Thankfully not....but then I went to a training for my new business and near the end I get 4 text messages from him saying that he's being shipped to iraq in about 3 weeks and he'd like to hang out with me throughout that time but will understand if I don't want to see him anymore. He also sent one saying he wasn't trying to be mean (about earlier when I thought he was super annoyed with me).

Soooo I really wanted to talk to him about this stuff tonight in person....but he wakes up super early for work and I kept him up really super late last night and he was exhausted today....at 9 o clock he was exhausted and still hadn't eaten dinner so I took pity on the poor guy and left him alone. meanwhile. I'm going crazy. I can't sleep and I have to stay home from work tomorrow bc my 2 year old has a fever. I have to wait all night and then all day tomorrow until he's off work to talk to him about how long he's supposed to be there, what he wants from me in the meantime and what he's really looking for. I would like nothing better than to spend as much time as possible with him right up until he leaves. I want to be his girl. I'm already obsessed and falling for him. This is after 1 day! I want to be there for him and support him when he goes. I want to be the girlfriend that writes every day and sends care packages of little things he likes every week. I want to do that for him..but it's wierd because we've only been on one date. I feel like if I tell him all this tomorrow....he'll be really weirded out. How can I show how I feel without scaring him??

He really is the best guy I've ever met. He's tall, wiry (not skinny), wears cute glasses, is incredibly sexy and he opens doors and came to pick me up for our date yesterday....even though he lived a lot closer to the restaurant than me...he wasted gas to pick me up and all...he's only 5 years older than me....lot better than before. He likes me and thinks I'm sexy. He has beautiful blue eyes, a smattering of tattoos. He's such a dream guy really...he has a real adult job and his own place. He has cats and really likes them. He's close with his mother. He is gorgeous, he's smart, he's funny and cute....I love everything about him. And of course, if he saw this blog he'd be gone in a second....so everyone be quiet okay?? I'll keep you posted as long as you don't tell him....

Wish me luck talking to him tomorrow.

PS am i pathetic or what...everytime I hear someone on the walkway outside I hope it's him coming over and surprising me by being here. I would love it...but I know it's not going to happen since he's so tired. I want him and need him....he's a good kisser too...soo sexy! ok I'm done...more news tomorrow tho!