I've been with my boyfriend almost 6 mos now. I am so in love with him I hurt sometimes. He doesn't love me back. I hope he will at some point. He has said from the beginning that he cant promise he'll be physically faithful to me. We thought maybe if we did 3-some, 4-some type stuff it would work out for both of us since I'm bi and all. Last night we had our first 4-some. Really all we did was a couple swap. I was nervous going into it....but as the night wore on all I wanted to do was cry. The guy I was with was a nice guy, very sweet and all....but I just couldn't get past someone else making out with my guy, her hands all over him, vice versa...her sucking on him and him fucking her....it's just to much for me. At this point, I still don't know all what happened. I've asked a few questions because I'm hella curious...but I just cant stop imagining things and thinking about the whole thing.
I've never ever shared someone I was with. Nor do I ever want to again. It brings up so many insecurities that I'm not really over. It makes me doubt everything about myself. I wonder if I'm good enough or ever can be. What's wrong with me that I'm not enough to satisfy all his wants and needs. I give him everything.
I had originally planned on messing around with the girl myself, but I was just too upset and that wasn't even a thought on my mind. Maybe part of it is that I don't really know about his feelings for me. I don't know where his head and heart are. He is not a very affectionate person with kissing, hugs, compliments, etc....so I cherish what I do get...but then to see him all over another girl...which I only saw briefly...wow. I hurt so bad I wanted to cry and hyperventilate and run away. I wanted to get in my car and just drive. I don't even know where. Instead I went outside for a few minute. I ended up locking myself out....which would have been just perfect. ugh.
I don't know where to go from here. I don't think I can ever do that again...but at the same time...I know he'll cheat on me at some point. Just because I know it will happen and that's the way he is, doesn't make it right and definitely doesn't make it hurt any less. I just don't know what to do. What to think. All I can tell myself is to keep breathing. Maybe the images and sound effects will be forgotten. Maybe.
As for now....I still picture it. I still want to cry and I feel bad for letting him down. That I couldn't handle seeing it. Hearing it. Witnessing it....
I sat there and let my boyfriend fuck another girl...prettier than me too...he doesn't love me. Maybe he never will? Will this happen again? I don't know. Probably tho...but next time it sure as hell won't be on my bed in my home.
where to go from here.....
do you know?
xo
ol
