the weekend

So it's the weekend. D is in the states but in wisconsin or michigan...one of those places, i forget. End of October he'll go to Iraq....that's when I'm going to really start to worry. I really want him to come home alive ya know?? I want to date him and be allowed to love him and kiss him and be held by him. I want more....but gotta start there. A year is so long. I wonder if he'll give me the address to write to him at. I really want to send him snail mail. Plus, then I can send him packages!! (which i fully intend to do!)

So I'm at a point where I don't really know how I feel about D. We haven't really spent all that much time together...but we've talked a lot...all of this has been enough for me to love everything he is and about him...that I know...obviously i don't know everything of maybe even all that much about him. But I love everything that I know. I think I may love him....but I don't even know. i mean, at this point we're just friends and we keep in contact texting and all.

I do miss talking to him everyday...when he was in yakima we were talking every day..but he was only gone for a month. and we were planning on spending time when he got back. we ended up only hangin out once. the first night he was home. after that he was super busy so i didn't get to see him again.

bye

!@#$%

I feel so emo now. wtf? That's not me. At least I don't think so. But seriously. I should be a lesbian. then I wouldn't have to deal with men. Problem is I like them so much. This silly little girl wants to find someone who doesn't make her feel like a silly little girl. That's all. I want to do things with my life, but feel trapped by my loneliness. I'm having a hard time focusing. I need to work on revamping my resume and making a good couple cover letters. It really shouldn't be that hard. But I can't even get myself to sit down and try. I've even got my kid with his grandparents today so I can try. i think i need to leave my apartment and try. take the book and notepad...im not sure about my computer. I'm thinking it can stay here because it'll be too much of a distraction....and we all know how easily i am distracted.

I even did this before over a guy. freshman year of college i met a guy right at the end of school and i couldn't focus on school at all and did terrible. didn't write a final paper for english and failed and did not study for exams. I couldn't focus and spent all my time talking to him. in this case...i spend all my time talking to no one but still unable to focus my thoughts.

im thinking breakfast somewhere with my stuff....i just hate going solo. i really do. but that seems to be my constant curse. hating to be alone, but doomed to always be alone. funny how that works. either God has a sense of humor or he fucking hates me....or he's just fucking with me. you know whichever. he obviously does not care that much.

classic

I plan on getting shit faced tonight. we'll see how it goes. I'm sure it won't really make me feel better...but maybe it'll make me forget how alone I am? we'll see.

i just don't know anymore

I don't know why I just put myself out there. Why do I want to be loved so much that I give myself so easily and free?? I can't do it anymore. I feel so hurt. It makes me feel like I'm worthless and unwanted. not good enough for anything but sex. I need emotion. affection. etc.

I don't know if it's possible for me. I want to love but love is so elusive. It doesn't want me to find it. I keep learning, but I also keep crashing and burning. I feel like I'm diminishing my spirit as I keep this up.

I want to express myself but I've lost the capability to show. I think in music but have no way to share it.


perhaps I just feel this because of lack of sleep. Potentially it could be that I've started listening to my head. I doubt that will ever happen. I'll always be lead by my emotions. I just long to find someone that wants to be with me emotionally, physically, etc just as much as I want to be with him and visa versa.

Soulmate:


Incompatible, it don't matter though
'cos someone's bound to hear my cry
Speak out if you do
You're not easy to find

Is it possible Mr. Loveable
Is already in my life?
Right in front of me
Or maybe you're in disguise

Who doesn't long for someone to hold
Who knows how to love you without being told
Somebody tell me why I'm on my own
If there's a soulmate for everyone

Here we are again, circles never end
How do I find the perfect fit
There's enough for everyone
But I'm still waiting in line

Who doesn't long for someone to hold
Who knows how to love you without being told
Somebody tell me why I'm on my own
If there's a soulmate for everyone

If there's a soulmate for everyone

Most relationships seem so transitory
They're all good but not the permanent one

Who doesn't long for someone to hold
Who knows how to love you without being told
Somebody tell me why I'm on my own
If there's a soulmate for everyone

Who doesn't long for someone to hold
Who knows how to love you without being told
Somebody tell me why I'm on my own
If there's a soulmate for everyone
If there's a soulmate for everyone

yay

I am doing well. no obsessing here! I've been texting d and having fun. 5 days until i get to be ravished. cant wait.