2 things i need from you

its been 8 mos now. we have not had a single date and i have not met a single friend. i need these now. if you dont want me to be part of your life let me know so i can move on and find someone who doe.n

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Dumb bitch

Who's a dumb bitch? I am. Who is so completely retarded as fuck they don't pay attention to their actions and how they affect others? I am. I don't think actions thru too much....I tend to be pretty impulsive with things I do and say. That is a bad fucking thing. Leads me to fuck things up for myself as well as those I care about and know.

People think I play games with them? What games? What am I doing? I'm so oblivious to my own actions I dont even realize how I manipulate people to get them to do what I want or act how I want. what the fuck.

How do you even go about changing that and growing the fuck up. where do i go from here? How do you turn into a real, effective adult while acting like a child and having the mindset of an idiot.

Tell me now. I want to know. What must I think or do to become real and honest and not full of shit. Please

xo
ol

4-some

I've been with my boyfriend almost 6 mos now. I am so in love with him I hurt sometimes. He doesn't love me back. I hope he will at some point. He has said from the beginning that he cant promise he'll be physically faithful to me. We thought maybe if we did 3-some, 4-some type stuff it would work out for both of us since I'm bi and all. Last night we had our first 4-some. Really all we did was a couple swap. I was nervous going into it....but as the night wore on all I wanted to do was cry. The guy I was with was a nice guy, very sweet and all....but I just couldn't get past someone else making out with my guy, her hands all over him, vice versa...her sucking on him and him fucking her....it's just to much for me. At this point, I still don't know all what happened. I've asked a few questions because I'm hella curious...but I just cant stop imagining things and thinking about the whole thing.

I've never ever shared someone I was with. Nor do I ever want to again. It brings up so many insecurities that I'm not really over. It makes me doubt everything about myself. I wonder if I'm good enough or ever can be. What's wrong with me that I'm not enough to satisfy all his wants and needs. I give him everything.

I had originally planned on messing around with the girl myself, but I was just too upset and that wasn't even a thought on my mind. Maybe part of it is that I don't really know about his feelings for me. I don't know where his head and heart are. He is not a very affectionate person with kissing, hugs, compliments, etc....so I cherish what I do get...but then to see him all over another girl...which I only saw briefly...wow. I hurt so bad I wanted to cry and hyperventilate and run away. I wanted to get in my car and just drive. I don't even know where. Instead I went outside for a few minute. I ended up locking myself out....which would have been just perfect. ugh.

I don't know where to go from here. I don't think I can ever do that again...but at the same time...I know he'll cheat on me at some point. Just because I know it will happen and that's the way he is, doesn't make it right and definitely doesn't make it hurt any less. I just don't know what to do. What to think. All I can tell myself is to keep breathing. Maybe the images and sound effects will be forgotten. Maybe.

As for now....I still picture it. I still want to cry and I feel bad for letting him down. That I couldn't handle seeing it. Hearing it. Witnessing it....

I sat there and let my boyfriend fuck another girl...prettier than me too...he doesn't love me. Maybe he never will? Will this happen again? I don't know. Probably tho...but next time it sure as hell won't be on my bed in my home.

where to go from here.....

do you know?

xo
ol

When you say nothing at all.

It's amazing how you can speak right to my heart
Without saying a word, you can light up the dark
Try as I may I could never explain
What I hear when you don't say a thing

The smile on your face lets me know that you need me
There's a truth in your eyes saying you'll never leave me
A touch of your hand says you'll catch me if ever I fall
Yeah, you say it best, when you say nothing at all.

...

Ah one of my favorite love songs. It's not quite like that yet.....but it's still pretty damn amazing. I can tell he's falling for me more....or maybe getting confused as to why I'm in love with him....he has asked several times why I'm so nice to him. I can't help it. I'm in love with him....so naturally I want to take care of him and love on him and make him happy.

He's always asking, why are you staring at me? I always tell him it's nothing...but really I'm admiring his soft brown skin and wanting him to wrap his arms around me and kiss me silly. I want nothing better than to cuddle and makeout for like an hour. mmmm that would be so nice. Maybe I'll get some extra loving with valentines and my birthday around the corner??? hmmmm never can tell.

Anyway....I'm trying to post more on here....being inspired by family and friends with their blogs.....

until next time...


xo
ol

a new one

so as I look thru my posts I know I've talked about a bunch of guys....but here I am again...on another one. I think we're at the point where we're an actual couple...thus I write about it on here. it's been 3 months. I havent acually been in a relationship for almost a year now....so it's good. I'm almost 24....my life is still up in the air and crazy....but I met someone again that I think i've fallen in love with. he claims that isnt the case...but how can he know. does make me wonder tho...anyway....yeah...going to try and write more frequently on here...sister inspiring me and all...we'll see how that goes..


xo
ol

I love you?

How is I love you an insult? How can it be so offensive. I don't get it. I love you I love you I love you. guess you'll just have to deal with it andrew.

xo
ol